raditts.com - Back from the dead, for real this time!

Appleton City Ransom - beta edition

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4/20/05: One Pope, Two Pope, Dead Pope, New Pope

Oh, hello there! Nearly forgot this website existed! Ha ha! ...who am I fooling. So it's been one of my longer hiatuses this time, but it's for a good reason, honest! You see, I've spent the last four months in the state of what the kids call "between jobs". In other words, "a broke ass bum." Now I know what you're saying; "Well, raditts, that means you would have more time, so why the fuck haven't you updated?" And I've got the answer for that too - I've been spending all that time I could be doing something constructive like updating, instead doing the following.

1. Check Monster for job updates.
2. Wipe a tear away as I see nothing has come up yet again.
3. Check Careerbuilder for job updates.
4. Wipe a tear away as I see nothing has come up yet again.
5. Sigh heavily, then check the "Jobs" section of Craigslist to see if anything good is there.
6. Send a few emails to job postings that look promising. 7. Look around suspiciously.
8. Check the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist to see if anything good is there.
9. Send a few emails to some 450-pound heifers that look promising, under my alias "Ricardo Guevaro".
10. Check my email to see if anyone, or anything, has written me.
11. Cry myself to sleep when I see that all I have are a couple more offers for discount W'A'L'L'I'V'M and \/1@gR@.

It all turned out well enough though, I suppose, since I finally got an email four months later for a lab that wanted me to start as soon as possible... followed by approximately 32615 phone calls from other jobs that wanted to interview me mere hours after I accepted the job. This contributes to my view of the universe, which states that "Somebody up there loves to fuck around with me."

But anyway! Let's get caught up. So I was watching the news today, and get this - they say the Pope died a couple weeks ago and they just put a new equally old and frail guy in his place yesterday. Now I don't know whether this should be kept under wraps or anything, because it seemed like some pretty secret news, but if you didn't know, you heard it here first.

Yes, the Pope. An old guy that gets to make the rules of what will and will not send you to hell, and for some reason there are lots and lots of people that take this guy's word as gospel. I know there are plenty of douchebag atheists who try to play the whole more-evolved-than-thou angle and mock people for worshiping gods they can't see, but seriously, does the fact that this is a real guy spare all those millions of people from ridicule? At least the books say that gods throughout history can throw fireballs and lightning bolts and shit; square me up with one of them and I'd just quietly step out of the ring. But the Pope? He's got a stick and a funny hat. Sure he might be able to keep me at bay with that stick of his for a while, but once I get inside on him, I'm fucking him up. Yeah, you better stay inside that plastic bubble of yours, bitch.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan was defending and enduring freedom long before the Bush administration made it violate our rights.
But then I suppose we've got the whole Infallibility thing, meaning that whatever he says goes and he can put a non-contestability clause on it, because it's supposedly the Word of God(tm). So in other words, even after I've left him on the canvas in a twisted heap after the third Chokeslam-to-Electric-Chair-Drop, he can still use what's still intact of his jaw and say "I win, you lose, and you can't argue it because I've got Papal Infallibility." So how do we get around this little problem? Well, we'll just have to verify that he does in fact have the direct line to the G-O-D, and have him send a call up to set up a little pay-per-view match so he can defend his title. I don't know if there's a Papal Title Belt, but if there isn't, I think one should be made. Seriously, it would be a lot cooler than that hat. Just put a bearded, musclebound Jesus engraved on it with a cross over his shoulder like Hacksaw Jim Duggan used to do with his 2x4, and flexing or doing a thumbs-up with the other arm. Something like that; I'm sure a more creative design could be made by beings more omnipotent than I.

So anyway, to get around the whole infallibility thing, we'd have to have God Himself officiating. Well, I guess Jesus could do since they're technically one and the same and all, but let's just go with the top of the ladder for safety's sake. Why one of them?

1. Omnipotence allows Him to see everything that's going on. This means that one of the cardinals in the Pope's corner won't be able to distract him while the Pope rushes out and gets a foreign object like a folding Papal Throne or something to hit me with. That's right, I've watched a lot of wrestling, and I don't trust that guy one bit.

2. Universal love prevents him from playing favorites. Assuming the Pope is in fact the Good Dude's number one homie, there might be some "help from above" expected from Nim. But as we know, God loves all his children, and for Him to play favorites would probably cause some kind of cataclysmic disaster, like Satan popping out of nowhere and saying "HA HA, YOU BROKE THE RULES, I WIN EXISTENCE!" And then we'd all have to hang our heads a little bit, especially me because I was the one that thought this whole thing up. But hey, I'm not the all-knowing one in this situation, so they can't put too much blame on me. So anyway, this ensures a fair fight, or the end of the world as we know it. It'll be a pretty awesome match either way.

So, in conclusion, I hereby challenge the Pope to Bring It. Cage match, one fall, no holds barred. Hide in the bubble or come out for some trouble.

This summer, it's gonna be a holy war... in the ring.

Oh, and also, given what day it is: 420 YEAH ROCK PARTY GET HIGH WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

To see older updates, go to the Oldies Section.

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