Garbage on TV
or "What the hell is this crap?"
Well, it's November, and in terms of TV, it's the absolute low point. Halloween is over, so you can't show spooky shows for another year, and Thanksgiving hasn't hit yet so it's not really the Christmas season yet (as much as some would like you to believe) so it's too early to start showing snowman / Christmas specials. So, since we're caught in a rut in the middle of all this special shit, there's nothing the big networks can really show except for, you got it, crap that no one really wants to see.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you EXHIBIT A: CBS's "American Tragedy: The OJ Simpson Story." Starring Ving Rhames as "The Black Guy that's Not O.J.," Christopher Darden. You may remember him in roles such as Pulp Fiction's Marsellus Wallace, the black kingpin-type guy who gets run over by Bruce Willis and then gang-raped by a couple of hillbillies. Does this guy set himself up or what?
Now the normal way to react to something like this is to first laugh at what a ridiculously stupid idea it is, then be appalled that a network - a "Big Three" network no less - would lack the dignity to feed some crap like this to the people. Not even UPN and WB, the reigning monarchs of blaxploitation on free TV, couldn't bring themselves to put this on. Seriously, I don't think even those stupid people that can watch anything would want to watch this.
Perhaps the most amusing part of this "epic saga" is the riveting tagline: "It's the movie O.J. doesn't want you to see!!" Well shit! I guess if O.J. catches me watching a cheesy ass TV movie, he's going to whip out a knife, put on one glove like Michael Jackson, and carve me just in time for Thanksgiving. Then again, if anyone catches me watching that crap, I probably deserve to die anyway.
CBS (read: See B.S.) felt this pile was so important that it had to grace the top of its home page, too, complete with synopsis and Exciting Movie Slideshow. Here's what they had to say about it:
"Based on the #1 "New York Times" best seller by Lawrence Schiller and adapted by Pulitzer Prize winning author Norman Mailer, this movie details the drama behind the closed doors of O.J. Simpson's defense team: the warring personalities, the struggles for power and Simpson's role from his prison cell. This is not only the uncensored story of how five men and women dealt with the evidence and got Simpson acquitted, but a window into the dynamics of our justice system. Add AMERICAN TRAGEDY to your home collection today! Call now for the exclusive one time offer and you'll also get -free- the "New York Times" #1 Bestselling book AMERICAN TRAGEDY, personally autographed by author Lawrence Schiller. Order now and shipping and handling if free! Call 1-800-531-7791 today! "
Yeah, using all these big, fancy words. "New York Times." "Adapted." "Pulitzer Prize." "#1." Yeah, whatever. Ooh, and it's "uncensored" too! How hard-core, in-your-face, and no-holds-barred! Come on, I don't give a damn about something being uncensored unless it involves breasts, sex scenes, or bad words. And I don't think anybody else does either. And what's this about Simpson's role from his prison cell? Which Simpson are we talking about here? Homer? I guess Lawrence Schiller, whoever the hell he is, didn't know that O.J. is a fucking millionaire. That, in simpler terms, means he does not spend time in prison, jail, or anywhere else but his house, which he can leave whenever he damn well pleases to play golf and brag about those crackers he whacked.
And watching the crap on TV for free isn't enough for you? Then order it for your home collection today and get the shitty book of the same name! I'm pretty sure they'll forward your address to O.J. so he can make sure you never reproduce, too.
But is it over with that? Ohhhhh no, my friend. Presenting EXHIBIT B: Remember that Budweiser "Wassup" shit from earlier this year that was all popular and spawned about 2 billion lame ass parodies? Well, just in case you were on another planet, allow me to explain. At the Super Bowl last year, the annual Budweiser commercial didn't feature frogs or lizards or any other animals, but a couple of dumbasses talking on the phone blurting "Waassaaaaaaaaaaap" to each other. This was funny about the first 1000 times we saw it, and when people started saying "waasaaaaaap" to each other, it was like, "Hey, you're on top of things! You are cool." However, it wasn't long until this 'catch phrase' was more obnoxious than people faking Mike Myers's fake British accent from Austin Powers, and after a while, it was an unwritten rule that if you said "wassup" you were in danger of being bitch-slapped.
So let a couple fools have their 15 minutes of fame, then fade back into obscurity, right? Wrong. Word has it that those guys are being offered a sitcom. Find it hard to believe? Yeah, so do I. But then, if you told me 6 months ago that people would consider riding gay little shiny scooter-boards around the place as being "cool," I would have told you to get the hell out of my office. So stranger things have happened. Let's just hope this one dies before it can poison my TV screen too.