More Garbage on TV

or "Aren't they getting to the decent shows yet?"

Ever the vigilant TV jockey, I've been keeping tabs on all the notable (read: most commercialized) new shows coming out. I was hoping that after the dip in TV quality back in November, we'd be due for a comeback.

No such luck, my friends. No such frik-kin luck.

If anything, it's just getting worse. And I guess it should be no surprise that the source of most of this optical garbage is sprouting from the venerable NON STOP FOX!! network.

Exhibit A: From the creators of such colossal failures as "Normal, Ohio," "Millennium," and "Time of Your Life" comes another piece-o-crap show to fill the unwatchable Wednesday timeslot. I guess since Fox sold off the "When X Happens" franchise that filled up all these dead timeslots, things started to die off. Any attempts they've used to get new ratings have pretty much fallen flat. Maybe it's because the shows have no substance. Maybe it's because they have no plot. Maybe it's because the review board in charge of these things was drunk when he allowed these things to go on TV, laughing hysterically the whole time. Or maybe it's just because "Normal, Ohio" not only featured John Goodman (best known for fucking up the "Blues Brothers" with that horrid sequel I never tortured myself to watch), but John Goodman as a gay guy.

(Which, I am told, is not a bad thing at all; "Being gay is A-OK!" says this mutant.)

Whatever the case... What's an X-TREME! second-rate network to do? Well, the first thing to do is what they always do... advertise every episode of every show as being "EPISODE THAT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING!!" Unfortunately this only works for the shows whose existence relies solely on star power (X-Files) or hot lead chicks (Dark Angel), so no one really cares about the plot lines, and therefore don't care about what will or won't be changed.

Then there's Plan B: Rely on David E. Kelley and his Award-Winning-For-Some-Reason shows, Ally McBeal and Boston Public, to keep the network afloat. I hope I don't even have to say anything about this.

And what do you do when those two ill-conceived plans fail? Why, pump out even more crap, of course.

And without further ado, we have...

Grounded for Life: The show currently replacing Normal, Ohio as the timeslot filler for a few months. Here's the plotline, straight from The Horse's Mouth(tm), which reads worse than the premise for a WB show:

Donal Logue (The Tao of Steve, The Patriot) stars as Sean Finnerty, a young dad trying to raise three kids while keeping his beautiful wife (Megyn Price, Mystery, Alaska), overly critical father and loitering brother at bay. Married at 18, Sean works in construction in New York City while dealing with his now 14-year-old daughter and two young boys who attend Catholic schools. This new, light-hearted comedy tackles the tough role of being the young, cool dad, while coping with adult not-so-cool responsibilities.

The premise (or lack thereof) appears to go as such: Parents have teenage kids, and want to remain as kids themselves. Throw in a destitute brother and a semi-retarded grandpa for added effect. Mass stupidity results, which I imagine is supposed to be balanced out in "very special" episodes involving those "adult not-so-cool responsibilities." Don't worry, it'll be gone soon.

The Lone Gunmen: What do you do when you have a top-ranking sci-fi show, and one of the main characters leaves? Well, first you replace him with the T-1000. If that doesn't work, you show commercials advertising his "return" when all that really happens during the episode in question is that his name is mentioned two or three times. And when that predictable falls flat, there's always... SPINOFF! Apparently a chick has been thrown in to keep interest, but... well, I'll just let you look at this AOL-caliber web page and let you draw your own conclusions.

Temptation Island: Need I even mention this one? Let's just hope this show ends soon and they never try to make it again.

The Tick: No, it's not the cartoon we all used to watch and love, they're making a live-action version. That's right, a damn live action version. I wish I had some pictures of this soon-to-be debacle. Why do TV networks take a good concept and always retool it into the worst possible thing? I couldn't tell ya.

Well, that's all for this edition. I didn't think it would come so soon, but he we are. Another installment might come sooner than you think.