The Election: Voting for the lesser of two evils

November 29, 2000.

By this time three weeks ago, we all would have thought any talk of the election would be over by now. But time would tell us that, as usual, we all would be very, very wrong. Even though Al "Lesser of Two Evils" Gore has been beaten out 2 or 3 times, it drags on. Is this another exciting plot orchestrated by our government since things have been a little dry around the Capitol since the Elian saga? Is the Gore vs. Bush feud going to be bigger than any feud between two WWF wrestlers? Will we ever have a president? Personally, I think this all could have been made easier if everyone had voted for me as a write-in, but I would have probably been erased soon after because I was screwing with the plotline.

Now, let's go back...

Back to November 8.

Ever since I had turned 18, I just couldn't wait for my chance to vote. Oh, how it kept me up at night with the excitement of being able to vote for the next leader of my country!

...Yeah, right. I was planning on watching cartoons and maybe considering doing homework, when I got a call from Big Brother.

"Hey, are you going to vote?"

"Well... Can't you do that kind of thing through the Internet, with technology and all that?"

"No, you still have to do it the old fashioned way. Get ready to be picked up."

So, to make a long story short, I went home, went to an elementary school, and voted for a bunch of local things I didn't know or care about which may or may not affect me, and then one of the clowns that's supposed to lead us through the next four years.

By the time I got back to raditts HQ several hours and a tasty home-cooked dinner later, I flicked on the TV to find out who had won:

The Scarecrow...

...or the Tin Man.

Unfortunately, despite Dan Rather's wisecracks (tighter than a thong bikini?) the progress of the election has been going at a slower pace than a fat girl walking uphill.

If you're reading this, Washington, I think the storyline is starting to run just a teeny bit dry. Why not throw something exciting in, like an American Gladiators-style pugil deathmatch? Certainly the candidate that can bludgeon the other to death will increase the public's confidence in him. Here are some other suggestions I have for you:

- Hook up a big TV screen on the mall, like at the New Years 2000 celebration, and have the two of 'em go at it at a game of Street Fighter or Madden.

- The ultimate game of chicken: the one who stops first loses the election! And if they crash into each other and die... then, well, I guess one of those third parties will have a chance after all.

- Have Congress pass a law that, from now on, deadlocked elections must result in candidates accepting the Smackdown Challenge and the winner will be decided by The People.

Of course, misunderstood geniuses such as myself are never recognized until long after we're dead, so chances are these excellent ideas will never be realized. But, I suppose we could always dream...