Children are evil.

Increasing events in the past months are supporting the theory that we as a country are actually getting dumber. My first clue was the ratings on the FOX show "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire." Wait a minute; my first clue should have been that the "shock shows" that FOX shows in prime-time are so successful. But I digress. Last year, a kid in Virginia was expelled for drawing a picture of a gun. There’s the whole "Elian Project" that we just can’t get enough of, according to the media. And now, this past March, four six-year-old kids were suspended from school in New Jersey for pointing their fingers like guns at each other during a game of Cops and Robbers.

So what is it that’s making us such idiots? Six-year-old kids, apparently. Or maybe it’s the sixty-year-old morons who deal with them. Yes, studies show that kids who draw guns as children will grow up to be serial killers! Give me a break. There’s one thing that confuses me more than this subject, and that’s the fact that all these kids get the chance to be traumatized at the ripe ol’ age of 6. Do you remember that kid who was suspended for kissing a girl? I believe he was six, too. Coincidence? I think not. Conspiracy? Now you’re thinking like a good madman should.

One other thing: Exactly what is it that our glorious public school system hopes to achieve by suspending the cute li’l ruffians? Yeah, make em stay home and watch Pokemon and eat Cap’n Crunch; that’ll learn the brats. I got suspended once myself when I beat some kid up for smacking me in the head while I was sick and doped up on Tylenol. I know if it wasn’t for the school system’s intelligent punishment scheme, I wouldn’t have gotten into college; I would be on the streets right now selling the hard stuff, like Advil or Bayer.

So you send a kid home for a few days for being Cassanova reborn. Let’s make sure he never kisses a girl again! Bad boy! Hey, you guys who suspended him, come back to me in a few years and let me know if you caused more problems than you solved.

Then there’s the kid who was <gasp> drawing a gun! I would have loved to be in the room when they were passing down the sentence to this poor guy. "We don’t allow those things around these parts; guns only belong on TV and in an easily accessible drawer in your parents’ room. We’re gonna make sure you never go to school ‘round these parts again! What? I don’t care if it’s really a sideways L; and just for that, when you have kids, they’ll be expelled too!" Good thing they caught the little criminal before he got a chance to color it, or write "BANG" next to it.

And need I even get started on the four Cops and Robbers? It’s ridiculous punishment like this that produces real criminals that go unpunished, like N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys. You want people that need to be put away, that’s where you should be looking!

In fact, there’s only one kid in the whole pack who hasn’t been sent home when he should have. Using the process of elimination, you’ll realize that it’s none other than our friend Elian. Maybe the real problem is that we’ve got things all mixed up. Maybe the Virginia school administration needs to be in power, and the guys who make sensible decisions should be in charge of the schools. Then things would be all right, and we could get back to skipping school and sleeping through class. You know, the way things should be.