The Female Conundrum

After much research and discussion with my colleagues, I’ve come to the conclusion that girls are stupid.

Now before a mob of ferocious sorority sisters comes to break down my door and dismember me, hear me out. Although I personally believe that women are no more than objects of male manipulation (after all, we do have to get our ribs’ worth), let me inform you that I have proof of my findings, carefully gathered from several subjects since last year when I first experienced the "stupidity" phenomena.

It all began last fall, when I would eat breakfast every morning with two female acquaintances of mine. Now it seemed that I was cool enough with the two of them, seeing as we all had a friendly conversation every morning. Little did I know how unpredictable these creatures were. One morning I walked in on them and greeted them, "How are you fine ladies doing..."

Things just went downhill from there. One of them remained silent, while the other snapped at me in a whiny voice, "I know you mean well, but I think that kind of language is really demeaning, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t refer to us like that."

My only response was stare at her wide-eyed; I was totally in shock. I thought that in my 18 years I had heard some of the dumbest things the world had to offer: "New Coke," "Blues Brothers 2000," "Richard Simmons." This, however, had broken new barriers in asininity to me. When this amazing quote had finally registered in my brain, I was able to respond repeatedly with a confused "What?!"

I was just about to regain the ability to put together complete sentences when I was floored by something even stupider. Mere seconds after throwing a tirade about being "demeaned" by a comment that had the slightest chance of referring to looks, the same girl retreated to the bathroom to put on makeup. When she returned, I posed the seemingly sensible question, "Would you rather that I came in and said, ‘How are you ugly broads doing,’" after which both the girls stormed out angrily.

Thus began my quest to understand the female mind. Many before me have

embarked on this quest, and as the legend says, those who were successful died laughing. After my experience with Ms. Demeaning, I would not be one bit surprised. I pondered the Breakfast Situation for a few days, and coming up with no sensible explanation, called another female acquaintance of mine to see what she could make of the situation. The response provided more questions than it did answers; so is the female conundrum, it seems.

"Society," she said, "creates an image of a thin, beautiful woman that all men lust after. Seeing this, women are pressured to put on makeup and look good so men will notice them, because women can’t be noticed for their intelligence." After a few minutes, I found myself checking my shoes due to the massive amounts of BS that were quickly filling the room. I would have been laughing if I didn’t know she actually believed what she was saying. I posed another question that seemed sensible; apparently that is the first mistake when dealing with women. "Don’t women do the exact same thing with men? How do you explain teen magazines and the Backstreet Boys? I hope you won’t tell me those are legitimate sources of talent..."

I never did get an answer to that. Apparently when the subject is threatened, it retreats in rage, shoots dirty looks in the direction of its threat, or both in unison.

Other subjects stated such nonsense as "Women aren’t hard to understand, men are" and "Women only like guys that are bad for them." These comments, combined with the personal experiences stated above, only further my hypothesis.

My research in this field brought another epiphany to me. Have you ever wondered why geeks have such trouble getting girls? No, it’s not because they don’t cut / comb their hair, or have bad dress habits, or play Magic: The Gathering all the while yelling "Ni!" Those reasons would make sense under normal conditions, but as we’ve learned, women defy all sense and reasoning. The true reason, my friends, is that their sense counteracts the female nonsense. While the fact that these guys are hideous may appear to be what repels women, this is the real cause.

So why am I single, you ask? Does that make me a geek? Maybe so; but I am a geek who knows the truth, my friend. Spread the gospel.