America: Leading the World in the Inevitable Trend toward Cloned Killing Machines!



On February 12, 2001, the Human Genome Project was officially completed. For those of you who don't know what the Human Genome Project is, I will give a short answer and a long answer.



Short Answer:

The Genome Project is an experiment funded by the U.S. Government for the purpose of experiments on Area 51 combining the genes of humans and little green or grey-colored men, and will eventually lead to the cloning of humans. This information will inevitably either be stolen or sold by crooked scientists to some small third-world terrorist nation, which will use it to create an army of cloned genetically enhanced soldiers using the altered genes of soldiers who fought in the Gulf War. Above all these cloned soldiers will be one Top Soldier (a "Big Boss" if you will), who is composed of the genes of all the greatest soldiers in world history. This Boss will oversee the building of a giant armored walking battletank. However, one way or another, this Boss fools around in his youth, and eventually has two sons. One of his sons is sent to stop the building of the aforementioned tank, and ends up killing his father and destroying his tank...twice. The other son follows in his father's footsteps after his death and rebuilding the tank a third time, and ends up getting offed too. And then, the world is safe once again thanks to the covert exploits of one lone least for now.


Long Answer:

The Human Genome Project was started several years ago by some scientists, and I didn't really know or care about it until I took a genetics class in my sophomore year taught by an egotistical dwarf who could sweat profusely in sub-zero weather. I think he knew so much about genetics because he was such a genetic freak of nature himself; but I digress. The point of the Human Genome project was basically to, well, make the perfect human. It probably would have been completed long ago, if the government's funds weren't tied up in the immortality experiment they were conducting on Bob Barker and Dick Clark. You see, back in the 50's, when this project was first put underway (which may or may not be true, but for the sake of this argument, let's assume I'm always right), everything was peachy; you know, nuclear family, black-and-white TV, white picket fence, dog, Victrola, all that bullshit. However, there were those who still pondered the unanswered questions... no, not the questions like "How can we make those robotic maids and engineer unstoppable cyber-ninjas?" but rather useless shit like "What makes us the way we are? How can we find out?" And thus the Human Genome Project was underway.

The basis of the project is that everything about us, from the color of our hair to the presence of a monobrow, is all written into our genes. You get genes from your parents, who mix things up, keep warm for nine months, and then boom! That's good Billy. The scientists believed that not only our physical traits are present in genes, but other more subtle aspects of our being; why black guys have the genes to rap and breakdance; why white people have the "grab purse" gene when they come in close contact with black-guy genes; why rednecks have an affinity for Confederate flags and small steel trailers; why guys named Joe and Chad have the genes to acquire certain females regardless of their physical appearance; why women lack the genes to make sense or drive an automobile; and why Tom Hanks has the genes to win Oscars every damn year. All along the way, these scientists have not only been screwing with humanity, but fucking around with other races as well, such as cloning sheep (which, given the redneck population, can only be used for purely evil means) and growing human ears on rats (great, so those fuckers can hear a mousetrap snap from a mile away... brilliant).

So finally, like I said, in February the scientists were able to finally finish the gene map. So are we ready to clone soldiers and have Solid Snake save the day yet? Apparently not. And how do the genius scientists explain this? "Duh.. well, duh... Things aren't as simple as we thought and duh... there's lots of stuff that controls different factors and stuff, and um... this could take up to 10 more years before we make any use of it."

Way to go, you sons of bitches! Basically, you're telling us that the last 50 years you've been working on this damn thing, 50 years you could have been using to make us helper robots and giant military mechs like in every third Japanese cartoon, you've been working on a fucking waste of time?! Even the Japanese are one-up on us now. They made a damn robotic dog, and now even their cartoons are better than ours... and we dropped two atomic bombs on them!! What the hell's wrong with this picture, America? Next thing you know, Canada will be laughing at us, and we can't well nuke the hell out of them because they have ski resorts and a lower drinking age, and they pumped out Pamela Anderson and we can't be sure how many more Pamela Andersons we're gonna get.

Apparently, there have been some side-projects that these scientists have been working on as well. A couple months ago, they told us about what could arguably be "the coolest fucking thing ever" - the glowing monkey. This was done by mixing glowing jellyfish genes with monkey genes in some fashion, and boom! That's good glo-Monkey. Anyway, these jackass scientists concluded that the experiment had no effect, since they never saw the monkeys glow.


But wouldn't it be a bitch if a cartoon boy genius is smarter than these bastards? Everyone who watches Dexter's Laboratory and has seen the exploits of his monkey knows that when you screw with a monkey's genes, you don't get any hard results... no enhancements, no physical mu-tay-tions, nothing! But surprise, surprise... Your monkey can receive cosmic signals of distress from worlds away. And then you know what happens?
That's right... that fucker glows! Dexter brainchild Genndy Tartakovsky obviously had some inside connections to this experiment, since this glowing monkey has been on TV for years before these results came out. With a Russian-sounding name like Tartakovsky, it's almost certain.

So what am I getting at here? To tell you the truth, I have no clue anymore. But it's for certain that the government is hiding something from us... as usual. And it's probably up to Dana Scully and the T-1000 to find out what. It's about time they got their act together and found the truth already instead of fucking up like they do every season. I hear from my FBI inside source that their jobs are in danger.