The Golden Dollar : America Salutes a Traitor

While I was restocking on my life-giving Cheez-It Party Mix at the local CVS the other day and paid with a 5 dollar bill, the cashier gave me these peculiar yellow coins. I was just about to cuss him out, throw his counterfeit change back in his face, and hop over the counter to kick his ass when I realized that what he had given me was the U.S. Mint's attempt at a fad gone bad last year, the "Golden Dollar."

No doubt you remember all those damn commercials featuring the dollar-bill head of George Washington on a number of bodies explaining how he has so much free time to do other stuff, since this... coin is here and everyone can use that instead of dollar bills. Hearing him say "It's so...money" at the end of the commercial made me lose all respect for our Founding Fathers.

I still refuse to believe that the government of the best damn country in the world could actually believe that the people of the best damn country in the world would want to switch to a dollar coin. Personally, I think it was an experiment on the people to make sure that we were still worthy of our title. It's simple, really - spread out a bunch of shiny yellow coins, make some "hip" advertising for it, see how many people sweep it up, and have those people "disappeared." But naturally, even America's trashiest and trendiest knows that accepting a coin for our dollar would make us have something in common with Canada, and that Canada sucks, so the fad went dead within a pretty short period of time.

So back to me at CVS. If you're like me, you probably wondered at one time or another, "Who the hell is that on the front of the coin? Is that like a gay George Washington or something?" Then someone nearby would say, "Uh, no, that's Sacagawea." Then you'd say back, "Who the fuck is that??" Well, that's happened to me. Fortunately for me, there was a little display thingamajig, no doubt from last year, explaining the significance of Sacagawea. Apparently , Sacagawea was the one who guided Lewis and Clark along their trail across America, seeing the country and discovering stuff. I can't remember the details, but here's my adaptation of what I remember, with a few distortions from my own swiss-cheesed brain:

THE GOLDEN DOLLAR The face of the golden dollar is graced by Sacagawea, the Native American Princess who guided Lewis and Clark on their trail to discover the Louisiana Territory. This eventually led to the influx of more colonoists from the East across America, which resulted in the overtaking of the land from coast to coast, and the relocation, mass killing, and ultimate destruction of culture of all Native Americans. Nice going, Sacagawea. America salutes you, you fucking traitor.