Today's News Story: "I Don't Know Much About Drugs, but I Do Know This is Pretty F'd Up"

Take a good look at that picture above.

No, that's not Nintendo's way to capitalize on the Flintstones Chewable Vitamin market using Pokemon.

That's the DC area's featured new street drug... Pokemon(tm) brand Ecstacy pills.

That's right... After seeing the explosion in Pokemon items - stuffed animals, action figures, underwear, condoms (STDs - don't wanna catch 'em all!) - over the last two years, and the ensuing controversy by various jackass right-wing groups trying to show how bad Pokemon are (including an especially saucy online broadcast by some priest about how Pokemon is nothing more than a veiled set of tools of the Devil!!!), they now have yet another thing to pick up and run with. Which they probably would have already, if the Pokemon craze hadn't all but blown over by now.

Just in case you thought I was making this up, or that I accidentally drank rubbing alcohol again, there's the proof right to your left. According to local crack news team FOX 5 (motto: if we sensationalize it, it's got to be true!), these pills, bearing the engraving of everyone's favorite sadistic animal, Pikachu, are making the rounds in the area rave circuit, and some quantity has been confiscated by the fuzz. According to the Police, this stuff makes the user "erratic and a danger to himself and others," which is exactly the kind of person you are if you are able to sit down and play through one of the Pokemon video games (and to an even further extent, the card game), or one of the many spinoffs that exist.

So, as it seems, Pokemon can do more to you than just cause seizures these days. Apparently, if you choose P'E'kachu here, you will be stricken with a potentially fatal affinity for shitty repetitive bass beats and trance music, and no one wants that for their worst enemy, much less themselves. I guess the media could jump all over this again too, stating that it will attract kids to drugs since it's got the lovable image of Pikachu on it. Never mind that there are commercials on TV featuring several coked-out kids talking about their belly buttons and maggot-filled pies reminding kids that "it's okay to pass."

Update (3/15/01): "What? P'E-kachu is evolving!"

A contribution to this article has been made by alert raditts reader Jennifer L. Boger:

"I saw the same fox five news cast with the pikachu pills, and you left out the key element of why they even showed the article. The pills aren't just ecstacy, they are PCP and esctacy. And according to a friend "on the scene" the news is about 6 months behind the times."

Pokemon: It's not just ecstacy anymore! Apparently it should be PCP'E-kachu then. Packs a much greater wallop, and in that case, it should probably make the user believe that large animals can be contained within tennis balls. This could be a real problem for the local wildlife. And knowing FOX 5's "Keeping us safe from ourselves" Investigative Reporting Team who decided to shut down a rave about 3 years after they became popular, I wouldn't be surprised at all if they were 6 months behind on this. Thanks a lot for the contribution, Jennifer.


Oh, how I wish there was an AP wire article about this. I searched and searched, but unfortunately I came up empty. If anyone can contribute to this article, please do.