Ramienski and Columbini make (very) Strange Bedfellows
(or "When Nature Makes a Mistake and That Mistake writes for Newspapers")
The article that just might change your life.
My fellow Idiots, morons, and New Yorkers; I have an important message to share with each and every one of you. It is a message that might not be for the fiant of heart, or those with weak stomachs, or those who simply don't like reading such fantastically retarded ramblings as mine. Anyhow, the warning goes as such: The Antichrist could be conceived at any time now, right on this very campus.
Now I know what you're saying... "How is that, raditts?" "You're out of your mind, raditts." "Have the men in white coats caught up with you yet, raditts?" And the answers are: Easy, Probably, and No.
Here's how the theory came about: As most of you know, freshman journalism major Dorothy Ramienski is probably the worst talent to come out of the Diamondback since Fall 2000's literary joke, Catherine Matacic. For those of you fortunate enough to never read the Diamondback, Ramienski has a biweekly column ("Dot's Dish") that runs in the Diamondback every other Tuesday, and if she is any indication, our college of journalism is highly overrated.
The column does seem to have some sort of a fanbase; however, this is only because readers tune in to see what utterly asinine opinions Ramienski has to throw out for the next episode. After all, as far as totally senseless and incoherent articles go, she has gone 4 for 4 so far this semester. Even more amazing is the fact that she manages to top herself in stupidity every time. What little credibility she could have ever had was basically nuked in one article when she stated that even her friends tell her she can't make a point. It's gotten to the point that with every new article comes a thread in the TerpIdiots forum to mock it, or just to express surprise that such a colossal moron is capable of basic reading and writing.
|Which brings me to the next part of this deep, dark conspiracy: maybe she can't. What do I mean? Glad you asked. Well, the careful eye will notice that a day or two after every steaming pile of "Dot's Dish" comes a reader letter from one Paul Columbini. Even I missed it the first couple times around, until I got the request to bust this conspiracy wide open by TerpIdiots' own ~swedishFish (picture to left). Apparently, back in our halcyon days of chasing girls in high school, Fish had the ill luck to know this guy, and identified him as "a power tool." The day I got the assignment, Fish asked me, "Have you noticed that after every Dot's Dish comes an article from Paul Columbini?" And surprisingly enough, it had escaped my all-seeing eye, as I tend to skip over the reader responses (with 75% of the Diamondback) since there is rarely anything worthy of note there.|
In any case, upon hearing this observation, I went back and checked the responses to every "Dot's Dish", and imagine my surprise when I noticed a Columbini response to each one. "Well, I'll be damned," I said, " you're right." It seems that Ramienski's utter stupidity compliments Columbini's coherent responses. Sources have said that this is some sick scheme to make Columbini look smarter, and actually get respect from other people.
But if the "Columbini & Ramienski Knockin' Boots" theory is correct (and I hope for the sake of the human race that it's not), then Armageddon may be coming sooner than we think, and I don't even think the amazing nose-rubbing power of Testudo will be able to save us from this one. First, let me give you a profile for each of the guilty parties here:
Name: Paul Columbini:
Occupation: Power Tool
Most likely to be asked about that picture: "What the hell is that hot chick doing anywhere near him?"
Name: Dorothy Ramienski (in true form without seven tons of makeup)
Race: Unknown; Presumed "Mutant".
Occupation: Diamondback's Royal Fool / Incoherent Broad
Mutant power: Can smoke an entire carton of cigarettes, back to back, in one sitting.
Using the exclusive raditts DNA technology program thingy(tm), whicih consists of Photoshop and a morphing program, I was able to make a prediction on what the secret love child of these two might look like. I had to buy a new monitor after this intensive operation was complete, because the horrifying image that resulted caused my original monitor to explode. With the second monitor, I got this error message before it showed:
I knew then that I was not dealing with any normal forces here. Very evil things are at work.
Well, here goes...
There you have it; the image that can cause blindness for fifteen minutes or more. But what can you expect; two different species were never meant to be cross-bred by Nature. Notice the poor dental hygiene common in both of them, combined with two different breeds of ugliness for a dreadful double-whammy. The combined powers of ultimate stupidity and tooliosity is a force to be reckoned with.
So, what can be done about it? I can't honestly say. Probably the only sure solution is to stealth bomb College Park and the surrounding five-mile area, and to have the entire place decontaminated and the soil sowed with salt. Yes, it is extreme; yes, many lives will be lost; but it's the only way to make sure this never happens.
That is all; good day.