r e 2 k


30 years ago, people envisioned flying cars, space colonies, obedient robot wives, and laser guns. Now, the cars still roll on the ground, people still live in boring old houses, the guns still fire boring old lead bullets, and the wives are still made of human flesh and are more liberal and complain more than ever.

2 years ago, people already knew better. They knew it would be the same old shit. But even they were wrong. Just when you couldn't expect the world to get any stupider, it happened. They called it the Y2K Bug, and fueled by fears of Armageddon and total morons who believe that America will go from Best Damn Superpower in the World to third-world country because a few corporations had 30 year old computers that couldn't tell what year it was. Even the media, who is always stupid to a degree, was especially retarded in this case. I believe it was Newsweek that said something like, "Meat will be discarded, as the computers will believe it is over 100 years old. Prisoners will be released because the databases will delete their records" and other such crap.

Knowing that the best opportunies to capitalize come from manipulating idiots, computer companies made millions off the hysteria, advertising computers and software as "Y2K Compliant!" when they knew damn well that software has nothing to do with it and computers have known the difference between 1900 and 2000 since 1991, maybe earlier. However, that didn't stop them from selling "upgrade" chips to make your computer "Y2K Compliant!" and it didn't stop dumbasses from buying them.

The hysteria also led to the long-outdated gimmick of this guy:

Things started out well enough in 2000, though. In February, the DVD version of "Entrapment," the movie starring Shun Cunnery and Catherine Zeta "The Ass" Jones came out, and in college dorm rooms everywhere, people missed days of classes watching the only worthwhile 5 seconds of the movie over and over, featuring Catherine in what was well known from the commercials as "the ass shot." You guys know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately I couldn't find any pictures of that amazing shot on the Internet, but if I ever rent it for some reason, or if someone sends in a pic for me, it will be on here. Moving right along...

Florida wins the Retard Award for the year 2000 by not being involved in not one but two incidents of incredible media hype. Media hype is defined by news deemed so important by the news industry that cartoons must be interrupted to let America know every single detail. Because the people want to know.

The first involved a mean joke played by the goverments of America and Cuba involving Mexican child star and Waco, Texas resident Ricardo Frederico de la Zapata, who was approached by the government to play the role of his life: Elian Gonzalez. In return for this massive practical joke, Ricardo was promised a 20 acre plot of land and a guaranteed place in the Cuban upper class for life.

Ricardo was sent covertly by fishing boat in November of 1999, hoping to prepare for his big debut a few months later. However, news of his arrival was leaked to "Entertainment Tonight" and "Access Hollywood," who in turn gave the information to the news media. And like all stupid, trivial matters, the news media turned it into the most watched reality show series of 2000. See Elian brush his teeth! See Elian play with a basketball! See all of Elian's antics with his wacky Miami family! New characters were added to the show perpetually, including Elian's Father and the People of the INS. The news stations kept pumping it out, and viewers had no choice but to watch, since it was on every damned channel.

The series went on until June, when declining ratings moved the government to have the show ended in a 3 hour special, which included a moving speech by Elian's Father which no one could understand because it was in Cuban, or whatever they speak in that Commie dump. After Ricardo got into the plane, he was flown to Cuba, where he was promptly executed. In related news, 21 punk bands from the Miami area changed their band name to "The Miami Relatives."

The second was the election. Do I even need to say any more?

Music... 2000 was an especially bad year for music, too. Although the Spice Girls finally conceded that they had outlasted their 15 minutes of fame by six or seven minutes, they had already been replaced by manufactured groups like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and about a billion other people that sound just like them. And if it's not girls, it's a group of homos that look and sound like girls. MTV takes a break from its marathon reality shows to actually show some music - if you could call this shit music - and the 13 year old girl demographic eats the shit up. Meanwhile, the rest of us are struggling to destroy our eardrums by shoving pencils and wads of Q-tips in our ears. Anything to make that... sound... stop.

You have to hand it to 'em, though... 2000 was a year when people simply outdid themselves. Take for example, the fine McDonald's Corporation. This fine company has been known to let itself get sued because retarded people don't know not to keep scalding cups of coffee between their legs while drivng. But now, Katherine Ortega, a fat nasty woman in Virginia, bought a box of wings and found what may be Mickey-D's new mascot:


Now, this woman, like Miss Coffee, simply set herself up. She should know better than to buy anything that doesn't look like a french fry or one of McDonalds' patented kangaroo beef patties. But no, she buys a box of wings from McDonalds, of all places, during a test-market period, of all times.

Here in the Maryland/DC/Virginia area, we seem to get a lot of test-marketing for some reason. Other examples of McDonalds' testmarketing in the past include the McRib, McPizza, and McDog, which was shaped like a hot dog but may or may not have been made from actual dog meat. I hear they have still have some of these things in New York. While it appalls me, it does not surprise me, because New York is a place where people eat rats.

They had the wings before in Maryland many years ago, under the name "Mighty Wings." Even though I was like 10 at the time, I knew the only possible 'mighty' thing about them was that they were mighty fucking disgusting. So the wings vanished from the area in a matter of weeks. I guess it's back, sort of like those Disney movies that make their way back to theatres every 10 years and pretend no one will know they ever existed. But regardless, you're gonna have your retards buying this stuff anyway. These are the same people that managed to let "Dude, Where's My Car?" gross $2.4 million at the box office. So I say she deserved it. But enough about that.

Mike Tyson has got the taste for human meat starting with George Foreman, and now he apparently wants more. When he's not bashing the shit out of peoples' heads with nearby televisions, Mike Tyson still boxes, trying to beat the life out of young children like Little Mac.

Fox's token whore, Darva Conger, also had a little to do with the past year. As many should know, Conger won the Miss Prosititute USA 1999 award, also known as "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire." However, upon learning that "multi" simply means more than one, and the mystery mutant had a paltry $2 million, she went for the annulment angle while she could still keep the money and Jeep Fox awarded her. However, seeing as her status as U.S. Skank General was now in jeopardy, she went for the 'full spread' in Playboy (or was it Penthouse?). Let's admit it though, she's pretty hot. It's amazing what Hef can do...

But rival Big Three network CBS was not to be outdone. Although Fox has had its share of crap programming, CBS still takes the cake. And they showed it with not one, but two stupid ass reality shows in the summer of 2K. I missed the better part of it, having to fight Communists and preserve national interests in the heart of Missouri, but I was here long enough to see them take off, and came back in time to see two flaming wrecks of show.

"Survivor" was the more successful of the two. For some reason, this was a brand of crap that people actually wanted to watch. Why, I shall never know. Apparently people liked seeing naked gay dudes so much that CBS is slapping another run-through of the show together for the spring of 2001.

"Big Brother" was not as lucky. You will remember this fucking show forever if you watched TV in the spring of 2000, because "I'll Be Watching You" by The Police will still be ringing in your head from the commercials every 5 minutes. What was the show about? A bunch of people stuck in a house, being bored and being the special tools of the producers, dancing or hopping around like they're on crack at the producers' every whim. Yeah, that's something we turn the TV on to see.

Even college, the place of what's supposed to be "higher learning," was a place of blossoming stupidity. Beaver College in Pennsylvania decided to change its name to Arcadia University. The reported reason is that Beaver wasn't an appropriate name because (according to the website) "The time had come for this institution to have a name that emphasizes the achievements of its students, alumni, faculty, staff and programs." Bullshit. Beaver College started out as a small women's college. That more than explains the name. As a result of the name change, 49% of the incoming freshman student population withdrew their enrollment because they could no longer tell their friends that they "got into Beaver."

In the midst of all this, a plucky youth sat back and watched the stupidity unfold all around him. The straw of stupidity broke the camel's back when a woman who knew about three words of English gave him food he didn't want at a restaurant (of sorts), and then expected him to pay for it. In order to prevent himself from mounting the local clock tower with a rifle, he created a web page. After that, the world would be changed forever..

Well, that was the year that changed the world in a few paragraphs. And when you get that feeling like you are floating out of your chair, you are either on drugs or you need to go to sleep. Goodnight, everyone.