The Real Slim Sellout


You may or may not have heard about this yet, but if you are anything like me, you will proceed to laugh your ass off upon seeing this.

Eminem, the self-proclaimed "White Tupac" and threat to Middle America, has his own damned line of toys now.

As you know, Eminem a.k.a. Slim Shady a.k.a. Marshall Mathers a.k.a. That Fucker who Can't Decide What His Name Is is constantly denouncing pop culture and people that want to be like him. However, it's pretty interesting that Eminem is MTV's whore and pop radio is the only thing that bothers to play his songs; and to compare him to Tupac is pretty laughable, aside from the fact that he'll probably be working in a chicken shop in a year or two. In any case, most people have seen through the obviously manufactured "Angry Black Guy in a Skinny White Guy's Body" gimmick, and choose to make fun of him instead. You know you're doing bad when Christina Aguilera and your own damned mother are spoofing your songs.


I had trouble believing the bit about the toy line when I first heard it too, but you can see it for yourself right here. Apparently these things are created by "Art Asylum," which seems pretty appropriate for a bunch of guys who need to try to feed themselves by overcharging for crappy action figures. Actually, I'm not sure I can even refer to these as action figures. GI-Joes were action figures. Transformers were action figures. To call these Eminem things action figures would be an insult to all of them. Hell, it'd be an insult to those little green Army men we used to play with and/or melt when we were kids.

Here you see the "Country Sheep-Bangin' Good-Ole-Boy Redneck" and "Home Dawg White Chocolate" varieties of the Eminem Action Figure. I believe their actual names are "Slim Shady" and "Marshall Mathers," but why and how these names conjure up the image of a deranged hillbilly and a Suburban "Yo!" Gangsta is beyond me. Apparently a set containing these fine pieces you see here, as well as another one whose picture wasn't available, will set you back $59.95, plus shipping. And if you are actually willing to pay that much, I think they should just ship a euthanasia squad to put you out of your misery.

Here's my theory surrounding the origins of Eminem: A few years back, notorious boy band manager and rapist of the music industry Lou Perlman was cloning efeminate boys to manufacture bands, in order to cash in about $7 billion more per year and pollute the airwaves. You see, he's like one of those big corporations that Greenpeace always rallies against, that will destroy the environment as long as it keeps their pockets lined with green. So how come there's no group to take these guys down? Even the tobacco companies have "Truth."

Anyhow, while manufacturing these clones, something went horribly wrong. No one knows for sure; maybe the guy in charge of the cloning machine that shift spilled his Schnapps while contemplating ending his miserable existence, maybe the setting got changed from "Boy Band" to "Emaciated" (you know, for those "Save the Children" commercials)... Whatever the cause, the product was Eminem (EMaciated Ig'NEnt Moron).

So here we have a reject from a boy band that never was, angry at the world that denied him the success that no boy band should ever get but every boy band always does. So he goes for the next best thing: rapping. For reasons unknown to all of us, he still somehow managed to become famous (must be written somewhere in the Boy Band Member DNA). Yet he never got over his spite for the pop-culture family that abandoned him, and makes a gimmick out of hating him.

There you have it; my utterly twisted theory on the matter. Sure I went a bit off-topic, but this conspiracy had to be blown wide open. It's only a matter of time before FOX comes along and allows me to say: "I told you so."

When this happens, it's time to clock out and go home, cause man, your career's over.