A few months ago, I applied for a biweekly columnist position in University of Maryland's main pulp paper, The Diamondback. This paper has about the editiing expertise and reliability of The National Enquirer. However, they pay well, and I could pull a better column out of my ass than most of the talentless crap that is regularly featured there. In fact, what they considered to be their best writer was this guy named Dave Hogue, who apparently thought his last name was Barry, trying feverishly to imitate a columnist that is actually funny. And if the columns are bad, there isn't a word to describe the quality of the so-called "comics." Seeing this, I cooked up a few columns, ran it by a few friends of mine, then turned it in.
Surprise, surprise... I didn't get one of the positions.
Now I'm not saying that any of the stuff I wrote is funny, or even good. But it sure as hell was better than the garbage that isThe Diamondback. You don't believe me? Grab a Diamondback next semester, or look at an old copy that you picked up to give your puppy something to take a dump on, and you'll know exactly what I mean. Anyhow, here are the Main Features that you can see here and only here, since they are apparently not good enough even for a shitpile of a college newspaper.